Recently I have faced failure.
To tell about it, predict that you are going to face a failure doesn’t make it easier to go through. For me, I am not questioning my worth or my work, I know that I did pretty well, but apparently it was just not good enough and I could tell everyone that it’s okay.
I’ve read dozens of words telling me that failing is fine, that life is a cycle, that the truth is failing doesn’t mean you fail, and life has prepared greater plans for you. I know. But it still doesn’t make things easier to deal with.
Knowing all the words to tell, all the hopes that are still there, the chances and endless possibilities, sometimes doesn’t make failing bearable.
I’ve noticed from this failing that I ran away from my sadness way too much. I unconsciously tell myself “why you shouldn’t feel sad” every time I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down. Yesterday, for once, just for once, I didn’t want to escape how sad feels like.
Let me break, let me cry, let me embrace the pain, feel the wet cheeks from my tears, and be desperate because I failed.
I want to feel sad without thinking about what happens next, without searching for things of what could possibly become the reasons behind my failure, because Oh God it hurts immensely. Can’t I just fall down?
What feels hard about failing for me is when I have to go back to reality after everything that I tried. Knowing that after all I worked on, everything just stopped in merely seconds. As well as the shame of not be able to be the person you thought you could be, everyone thought you could be.
Another thing that might as well become hard to bare is the fact that the world continues to run when you are breaking down.
You still have your responsibilities, your works still due tonight, you still have to do that presentation tomorrow morning. They don’t stop or pause just because you are breaking down. How could the world doesn’t even have a sympathy while your life might be collapsing at the moment? So cruel of them. So true.
So I’ll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
Though it may hard and take everything that we have left, the only thing that we could do is just to do the next right thing, making sure everything doesn’t actually fall down to deep despair, to not let yourself drowned in agony.
Perhaps, I should not be ashamed that I failed. Perhaps, I should be proud that I tried.